Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
