I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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