A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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