It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
