My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
