Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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