you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
