I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
