Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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