I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
