Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
