you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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