i just wanna soil my oats bro
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
