I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
