dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
