my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
