why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
