Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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