I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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