Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
