You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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