Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
