Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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