Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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