My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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