im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
