the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
