They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
