Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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