I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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