Your mouth is God's brothel.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
