I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
