??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
