apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
