We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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