Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
