I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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