He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
