I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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