They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
