Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
