Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
