I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
