Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
