Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
this boner is exhausting
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I need moral support for this bender
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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