Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
