dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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