We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
