Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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