When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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