matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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