I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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